"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."
"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."
"Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
